I read an article once where the writer asked this question:
Most of us think we are loved, but what would our world look like if we truly felt it – if we felt accepted unconditionally?
This sentence got me thinking: parents love their children. But do our children feel it? Do our actions reflect our feelings and thoughts?
If I look at my own relationship with my parents. I realize that in some ways I still try to get their acceptance (unconditional), their approval, by pleasing them. If only I could feel their love, I would trust that they love me just the way I am.
So how do I go about building the trust between me and my children that yes, I love them, unconditionally?
Listening is a big point, along with being available when it counts and staying open-minded. To better understand my kids, I often try to remember how I was as a youngster and what life was like for me.
There are not many things my children are doing that I didn’t do. So I am trying not to immediately condemn their mistakes and faults but remember that I made them too.
Also, I try to support them in the clean-up of “messes.” What I mean is – I want to be there for them if they need me. Listening, not giving advice unless asked, and not doing it (solving the problem, making amends, etc.).
For them, trusting that they can figure it out for themselves.
Now, my intention is good, but I am far from being proficient in this. For example, my son, who will be a senior in the fall, did poorly on his AP tests. These tests can be important for college admission. He was pretty relaxed about his poor scores.
On one hand I admired his attitude and on the other hand I got sucked in by the pressure that is put on students and parents around the importance of doing well on these tests.
At first, I questioned him about his poor scores. I admit, it took a lot to not to make him wrong and reprimand him.
Ultimately, I could let it go because it is his life after all. He needs to figure it out. Good or bad grades do not make him a better or worse person.
Also, I went back in time to when I did not pass a very important exam in university – there is not much that my children do that I didn’t do….
And I love him anyway.
And the journey continues!