HOMEWORK TROUBLE?
The mom pushing and the child resisting and resenting?
Do you get your kids to do their homework by telling them that this is what they need to do, no discussions, no arguments? Telling them that they have no choice!
In my opinion, this approach is not what entices kids to do their homework. Pic: Rachel @ Unsplash
Telling a child what to do without truly engaging, turns homework into a power struggle, with the parent pushing and the child resisting and resenting. Everyone is upset and exhausted, and the relationship slowly deteriorates 🙁
I think that the first question for the mom should be: What is more important, the homework or the relationship with the child?
My own answer would usually be “the relationship.”
Why?
Because when you nurture a great relationship with your children, you can handle a lot of obstacles cooperatively with them, which allows difficult issues such as (too much) homework, to be dealt with as a ‘team.’ Mind you, with kids, the effect of your interested effort may not show up immediately.
In a good relationship with your kids:
You can ask a question and get an answer, … or kind of an answer.
In general, your questions are meant to invite your children to think about what they resist or don’t like. Then they can come up with a solution that works for them. (Most children want to see themselves as responsible, powerful, and able to do what needs to be done.) This approach benefits their self-esteem.
Also, by devising their own solution, they will feel more interested in following through.
You may have heard the phrase: One who is most attached to a particular outcome has the least amount of power. I have experienced that myself, time and time again, with my own daughter. Slowing down and taking time to focus on ‘the journey,’ rather than the immediate solution or control, developed a better relationship between my kid and me and influenced the outcome we both could agree on.
When your kids believe that you are genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings, they can tell you about their feelings and thoughts, no matter how they express them. They can hear themselves talk, and because of that, they start to understand themselves better. (Have you noticed that when your thoughts aren’t clear, you explain them to another person, and you suddenly get it?)
When your kids feel free to express themselves, without feeling judged, they can be their most honest selves; they don’t have to hide, be sneaky or be scared, trying to avoid or please you.
A healthy, honest relationship can mean the difference between your children feeling lonely, versus having a deep sense of belonging. Actually, a great relationship with your kids gives parents a sense of belonging as well.
Your children learn to mirror the way you communicate with them, and that can determine the way they will talk with and listen to you, whether now or later in life.
Children’s ability to express themselves honestly is essential to their sense of well-being. Listened to is the opposite of not feeling heard, not understood, and not loved. Well-being is a basic need.
So, what can you do to give your kids space to express themselves, even when you disagree about how to handle homework?
How can you support your children while at the same time trying to eliminate power struggles?
How do you take care of yourself so you can put your fears, worries, and judgments aside for a moment?
The key is to aim to communicate in a meaningful, loving, and wise way (no matter how imperfect). This is how you honor your kids, as well as yourself, with understanding and respect. This doesn’t mean that your children are your friends–yet. That may come later. When they are still young, they need protection from your worries, opinions, etc. which is what you would express with a friend.
What can you do to cultivate your inner calmness time and time again? Do you have an exercise for that? If yes, do you need to put in place a structure or a reminder for a time in the day before you tend to be triggered by your kids? If no, send us an email and you’ll get one from us (info@greatparentsempower.com).
Be well!
Mooniek, the Parent Empowerment coach
PS: You can join us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/groups/GreatParentsEmpower)
Instagram (GreatParentsEmpower)
Linked in: https://www.linkedin.com/in/parent-coach-mooniek-seebregts-for-the-stressed-mom-or-dad
See you there!