Are you shaming your children without realizing it? I have been realizing lately the question is not if I shame my children, but HOW I shame them and WHEN. Also, I am working on not making myself wrong for it. Learning a new way of doing things is never easy…
I was raised being shamed by my parents. I always disliked it when others laughed at me, teased me, or made fun of me when I did things wrong.
Yet, I also have been guilty of laughing at the cost of others, or criticizing them or making them wrong for a mistake they made.
Who has not been guilty of shaming that way at least once in a while? And teasing, even though it seems fun, is often hurtful.
I have come to believe that teasing and criticizing comes from our own insecurities and inadequacies or lack of awareness.
My son has restricted abilities and of course he gets frustrated every now and then. Recently, he was very tired and his dad and I helped him get into bed, and it just wasn’t the way he wanted it to be.
My husband and I were both tired and, to be honest, we were getting frustrated with our son.
My husband said what I was thinking and I agreed: “We cannot help if you are not clear in what kind of support you need.” The statement is not bad, but the delivery was a bit loaded. Looking back on it, I can see how our son could have thought that we were ganging up on him.
I remember those moments when I was growing up: one parent criticizes and the other chimes in. It makes the world seem like a very unsafe place; it certainly made me feel small and inadequate.
The good news is that now, when I become aware of my misstep, I can go back to my son and apologize. I can explain, and put practices in place to minimize the shaming.
Here are some action steps I came up with to break the habit of shaming:
- Do something to appreciate myself every day.
- Before giving an opinion, take a breath and ask myself if it is necessary and if it is hurtful. I might even want to ask my child for permission to give my opinion. If that isn’t necessary, I take action to get clarity around the issue for myself (for example by writing it down). If the message is truly necessary and potentially hurtful, I will try to deliver it in the most gentle manner.
- If you realize that you have shamed your child (how I know is when I feel not quite right, or I might feel righteous, or superior), talk to him/her, explain, make amends. It will make you feel good and will teach them to communicate clearly and mindfully.
And the journey continues!