My friend recently said: “All my children argue, but one of them, in particular, does it more than the others. I wonder, is she fighting to be validated, to get attention, or out of a sense of insecurity?
She feels that life is never fair. She often feels “less than,” “not smart enough,” “never loved enough,” “insecure”–or so it seems. Do you know what my friend is talking about?
It is easy to forget that children are only just starting to learn the process of making sense of the world.
Though being born with a natural inclination to trust, they learn over time that people cannot always be trusted, that life is not always easy or friendly.
My friend shared that her daughter once said to her, ”It isn’t easy to live my life; sometimes I don’t understand the world. And, on top of that, I don’t have much power, since the grown-ups don’t want to be told what to do!”
Martina and I talked about the fact that our kids have far less experience with life than adults. It isn’t fair to expect our kids to have mature thoughts, to be able to argue at our adult level, to make mature choices and decisions.
Then, brilliant Martina shared this:
“At one point, I took on the practice of telling my children, ‘And I love you anyway.’” By this, Martina means that even though her kids make mistakes, even though they fight and can be mean, she loves them anyway.
Because she knows that everything they do or don’t do is just part of the process of growing up. That also implies that all the arguing is not to be taken personally 🙂
And when her children know she loves them anyway, they feel safe and this opens the window to have more constructive conversations…
My friend likes using “And I love you anyway”; it helps her to stay grounded, and she will not get sucked into seeing or pointing out “the wrong” all the time.
PS: if you are interested in getting tips on how to feel or stay empowered in the next weeks, sign up for our free educative webinar filled with great ideas. Reserve your seat and choose your date here!
Title webinar: Attention Moms-of School-Age Kids: Are You Making The 3 Mistakes That Keep You Feeling Not Good Enough?